Rooted

If I took away everything that people know me for, who would I be?

At Northwestern, amongst my friends and in Cru, I feel pretty well known. Not in the sense of popularity, but more in the sense of having a distinct character that stands out. I have an identity. I am the funny guy who isn't afraid to be really loud and make himself look like a fool. I am the emcee of Real Life who enjoys having a microphone in his hand and talking until he is told to stop. I'm a now-out-of-the-closet singer who records songs with his roommate in his dorm room. But what if that was all stripped away? Who would I be? How would that feel?

To be honest, I feel pretty satisfied with the identity that I've built for myself. It feels good to have people like me and encourage me. It makes it really easy to be comfortable and "enjoy" life. But what would happen if all my friends stopped laughing at my jokes, maybe even stopped hanging out with me? If I was booed off the stage at Real Life and told I should never talk again? If I had friends who hated my singing and posted nasty comments on my YouTube videos?

It's hard to avoid thinking that I would feel like absolute shit. Pardon my french, but I actually think that I would feel like the scum of all scum, absolutely nothing. These are some of my greatest fears, and it would be incredibly difficult if they were to come true.

My identity is in these things, yet they are temporary. While my fears will most likely never come true, it is possible that they do. And then where will I turn? Will I finally put my identity fully in Jesus? Once all of my other options fail?

Hear me carefully: it is not bad to enjoy good things and have a personality that people like. It is not bad to get upset when we are rejected. The problem comes when those things become our identity.

The moment we begin finding our identity in anything besides Christ is the moment we choose self-sufficiency over reliance on the Spirit. It is the moment that we tell God that our identity in Christ isn't enough, that we need more to be satisfied. When our identity is not in Christ, we are not trusting Him. We are choosing to not believe that He is good, faithful, and enough to satisfy.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

It is when our identity is rooted in Christ that we are living according to His will. It is when we are firm in our faith, remaining in His love, that we can bear fruit, that we can even do anything. When our identity is in the temporary things of this world, we can do nothing. On our own, we can do nothing.

As followers of Christ, our identity is not defined by our sin or the things of this world. This is not how we stand before God. We stand before God justified by Jesus' death on the cross. We are seen as righteous, forgiven, and white as snow. Completely clean. And we are offered the chance to remain in this love. Abide in this love. What reason do we have to find our identity in any other place?

Let's surrender our identities. Let's show with our thoughts and actions that we need no other source of satisfaction. Let's choose to believe that God is good, that He is faithful, and that He is more than enough.

A Response to My Own Ocean City Ramblings

I wrote last week about my struggles against the idol of acceptance here in Ocean City. I talked about how frustrating it is to know that I am accepted by God, but not truly believe it in my heart. But in the past couple of days, I realized that I was looking at it completely wrong.

First, I just want to say thank you for all of the encouragement I received. Honestly, I needed it and it really did give me more confidence to step out of my comfort zone and risk looking like a fool in order to get to know more people on a deeper level. And yes, as I've now been here over a week (cray cray, I know), I have been able to get to know some guys on a much deeper level. It has been a huge blessing.

But I want to go back to the incorrect ways I was looking at my idolization of acceptance.

Before, I was trying to tell myself that God accepted me. I was trying to remind myself of this fact, repeating it over and over in my thoughts and prayers. And God really did show up and give me peace and comfort. I'm grateful for His love and faithfulness. But this wasn't really lasting more than a couple hours or maybe a day. As I wrote before, it was going to be a process. But I was essentially trying to believe harder. I told myself that if I kept saying this, eventually a switch would flip, and I would go from unbelief to belief. If I believed hard enough, eventually I would reach the breaking point and come to terms with the truth.

I think this is why I knew these truths but didn't believe them. I was trying too hard. I ran to the cross for temporary relief from the emotions that were overwhelming me, but when it came to actually believing the truth, I tried to do it on my own.

But God doesn't want us to surrender parts of our thoughts to Him. He wants all of us:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

It says "all your heart" and "all your ways." It means it.

So I changed the way I view this idol of acceptance in my life. I view it through the truths of the gospel. And instead of believing harder, I see the beauty of Jesus dying on the cross and I have already seen my heart begin to change. At the moment I came to know the Lord, I was clothed in the righteousness of Jesus. I became a child of God; son to a Father that loves us unconditionally and accepts us. When he looks at us, He sees Jesus, and He says, "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." I was freed from the burden of trying to earn others acceptance because I have overflowing love and acceptance from my Heavenly Father.

A switch was not magically flipped in my heart. I continue to struggle with this issue. But I am not going to change my heart and my thought patterns by trying harder. I am going to do it by returning to the truth of the gospel, what is true of followers of Christ, and diving deeper into the meaning of the bloody death of my Savior. I am being sanctified, and as I trust God with all my heart and submit all my ways to Him, He will make my paths straight. He will change my heart.

I think this applies to every idol we have in our lives. And we certainly all have them. Stop trying to change what you think out of your own effort. It's not about doing anything. It's about surrender.

Prayer

"God aims to exalt Himself by working for those who wait for Him. Prayer is the essential activity of waiting for God - acknowledging our helplessness and His power, calling upon Him for help, seeking His counsel. Since His purpose in the world is to be exalted for His mercy, it is evident why prayer is so often commanded by God. Prayer is the antidote for the disease of self-confidence, which opposes God's goal of getting glory by working for those who wait for Him."

John Piper, Desiring God

And Repeat

It seems like this is going to be a process. I take steps out of my comfort zone as the day goes on, and by the end of the day, I usually have had fun, quality interactions with a couple people. But when I wake up in the morning, the confidence that I have gained is gone. The butterflies in the stomach are there. The uncertainty of who wants to talk to me lingering in my head. Lies dominating my thoughts. So I repeat the process.

Walking in the Spirit is not something that we just begin doing one day. It does not magically become a habit that is a characteristic of our lives. We must make the conscious decision each and every day to walk in the power of God, not in our own. And it is tough because I have always done everything in my own strength. But God's presence does not leave us. He is sealed inside of us, and will never leave us alone. So we repeat the process.

Thankful for a God that always remains faithful.

Ocean City Ramblings and Fears

Ocean City is supposed to be the summer of my life. It gets talked up about how awesome it is and how life changing it is. But right now all I want to do is be at Northwestern where I am comfortable. I have 6 of my closest friends here with me, yet it is so easy to be sitting in a room filled completely with people and feel alone.

I'm sure this will change in a week or so. I'll finally have lots of friends and meet lots of people. But right now I'm having a hard time not feeling bad for myself and complaining in my head. Everything seems so fake. I just want to finally have real relationships with people here.

I feel like I am constantly in fear. I'm afraid of different things, but it certainly feels like it is surrounding me. And maybe these fears are unwarranted. I don't know. But I have them, and I don't think they're just going to go away.

I'm stuck in this tug of emotions. Part of me hates discomfort so much. I don't hate being here, but I hate these emotions that are going through my head. Most of them are lies, but battling them is exhausting. It is one thing to know that the acceptance of others doesn't matter and it is another thing to believe it. I know it. Everyone tells me. But I am still striving for the acceptance of real relationships. Those are the relationships where I really feel loved.

The other part of me knows that I absolutely need discomfort. In the midst of discomfort is where I most frequently run to the arms of God in desperation. Desperate for Him to fill me, not the empty words of others. Desperate for His love, not empty acceptance. In the midst of discomfort is where I feel God's unconditional love and grace. It overwhelms me almost to the point of tears. No part of me can do this on my own, and it is in the midst of discomfort that I realize that. I am so thankful that God doesn't hate me for how often I neglect Him in favor of my own effort.

And He doesn't just "not hate me," he loves me. And that is enough.

Wow! I was about to end my blog post with that past sentence, but please just sit on that amazing fact for a second. The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. He is our inheritance. And that is enough. Nothing else is necessary. All of my fears and worries don't need to exist. I have Jesus and he is absolutely enough. That is such a frustrating thought to know that and have such a hard time believing it.

But I am so thankful for that. God is praiseworthy for giving us this Inheritance that is completely satisfying. And we have done nothing to deserve it.

I posted this on this blog, and not on my Ocean City blog. Maybe because it is more personal. I think I would tell people I was feeling this way if they asked me, but I don't want it to be read on a blog before they know me.

Anyways, I would appreciate your prayers.