Well. Here goes nothing.
I feel like I've been avoiding this moment. The moment where I sit down and actually begin to think through my summer and look at all I learned and all that I can continue to learn from it. It seems so overwhelming that my lazy self has waited until now to attack it.
Being home has been hard. People talk about the infamous case of Post Project Depression that usually hits students following an amazing Summer Project experience. I don't think I have that. I would call it more of a Post Project Apathy. But even through this time at home where things are not always rainbows and butterflies, I have been learning things about myself that I would never have noticed without my time in Ocean City.
In order to make the procedure of processing as simple as possible, I am just going to make a list of the things that I learned. I like lists, and I hope you do too. Let's begin:
1. Community has so much potential to point people to Christ, but it begins with initiative. The community this summer was incredible. It was amazing how quickly we began talking about our deepest darkest secrets and reminding each other what grace looks like. It was amazing how we surrounded each other with love during hard times and laughed with each other during easier times. But there were times this summer where I felt dissatisfied with the community. I know...shocking. And one thing that I wish I had done more was take initiative. Take the initiative to ask someone to hang out one-on-one or go sharing or talk about things more meaningful than the weather. One of the best times of authentic community that I had was when a couple of guys spontaneously decided to plan a group quiet time where a group of us read a passage in the Bible and then discussed it. This was not planned by the project, but it was a sweet time of community and pointing each other toward Christ, and it all started when a couple of guys took initiative. This can happen at Northwestern, I just need to take initiative. Anyways, I could write a whole blogpost on this, but I have more points to make.
2. I need to remind myself of the gospel so badly. It is so easy for me to fall into the mindset of thinking I need to perform for God. It is so easy for me to feel guilty when I fall. Jesus died for that part of me. The law is my delight, and I have been freed from the chains of sin. I am clothed in the righteousness of Christ because I have put my faith in Him. I am forgiven.
3. I am really selfish. I almost always pursue my own wants and desires, even subconsciously. I want to put myself first, I want to make myself comfortable, and I want others to notice me. This is the essence of my sin. Almost all of my sin. I idolize myself and want to serve myself in whatever way possible. I have a hard time thinking of myself as a living sacrifice. But that is what I am. And if it came down to it, I would be willing to count myself as absolutely nothing for the sake of Christ. I think. It is really hard.
4. I am really bad at making time for God. The end of the summer got really busy for me. As the leadership team duties began to pile up and work at McDonald's continued on as normal, I began to have less and less free time. It often seemed I had two ways to fill this free time: have a quiet time or hang out with people. As my time in Ocean City winded down, it became easier and easier to convince myself to spend my spare moments investing in other people. While it was loads of fun, it took a toll on my relationship with God.
5. I really enjoy leading people. Maybe I just love control. But I think that it is one of my strengths, and I love being able to serve people by leading them and (hopefully) pointing them to Christ.
6. I loved giving my talk. It was probably my favorite part of the summer. For those of you who don't know, I had a chance to give a talk to the whole project on Isaiah 6:1-8. Ask me about it, I would love to explain more.
7. One thing that I've been realizing in this past week at home is that my fear of God is so little. I think that I take my forgiveness and promised salvation for granted. I rarely think of what God has saved me from and what wrath I deserve that he has chosen to pour out on his Son instead of me. This is something that I am still processing through right now. But fear of the Lord is a big deal and I want to grow a lot in this area.
There is still more, but that is all I can think of now. Thanks for reading.
I'd love prayers for my time back home. I've still got three weeks or so, and it is going to be kind of lonely. Please pray that I will be using my time to dive into God's Word and prayer. Pray that I will have strong community with the couple of guys from Northwestern who live near me. Pray that I will find all of my satisfaction in Him. Pray that I will not be comfortable where I am.
Also, I love questions! Feel free to shoot away!
