Ocean City is supposed to be the summer of my life. It gets talked up about how awesome it is and how life changing it is. But right now all I want to do is be at Northwestern where I am comfortable. I have 6 of my closest friends here with me, yet it is so easy to be sitting in a room filled completely with people and feel alone.
I'm sure this will change in a week or so. I'll finally have lots of friends and meet lots of people. But right now I'm having a hard time not feeling bad for myself and complaining in my head. Everything seems so fake. I just want to finally have real relationships with people here.
I feel like I am constantly in fear. I'm afraid of different things, but it certainly feels like it is surrounding me. And maybe these fears are unwarranted. I don't know. But I have them, and I don't think they're just going to go away.
I'm stuck in this tug of emotions. Part of me hates discomfort so much. I don't hate being here, but I hate these emotions that are going through my head. Most of them are lies, but battling them is exhausting. It is one thing to know that the acceptance of others doesn't matter and it is another thing to believe it. I know it. Everyone tells me. But I am still striving for the acceptance of real relationships. Those are the relationships where I really feel loved.
The other part of me knows that I absolutely need discomfort. In the midst of discomfort is where I most frequently run to the arms of God in desperation. Desperate for Him to fill me, not the empty words of others. Desperate for His love, not empty acceptance. In the midst of discomfort is where I feel God's unconditional love and grace. It overwhelms me almost to the point of tears. No part of me can do this on my own, and it is in the midst of discomfort that I realize that. I am so thankful that God doesn't hate me for how often I neglect Him in favor of my own effort.
And He doesn't just "not hate me," he loves me. And that is enough.
Wow! I was about to end my blog post with that past sentence, but please just sit on that amazing fact for a second. The reward of following Jesus is Jesus. He is our inheritance. And that is enough. Nothing else is necessary. All of my fears and worries don't need to exist. I have Jesus and he is absolutely enough. That is such a frustrating thought to know that and have such a hard time believing it.
But I am so thankful for that. God is praiseworthy for giving us this Inheritance that is completely satisfying. And we have done nothing to deserve it.
I posted this on this blog, and not on my Ocean City blog. Maybe because it is more personal. I think I would tell people I was feeling this way if they asked me, but I don't want it to be read on a blog before they know me.
Anyways, I would appreciate your prayers.
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